Tales Of A Hypochondriac Part III

I went to a new doctor today, determined to start fresh. I figured this one wouldn't know my history as a chronic whiner and complainer obsessed with death. You know, Woody Allen without the talent.

He was very nice. We sat and talked. I explained how I Google all my symptoms and am sure it's cancer, a yeast infection, or a jellyfish sting. He nodded sympathetically, did a thorough exam. He seemed very concerned, asked a lot of question. He was Chinese, so again I didn't understand all the words, but I could see the empathy in his eyes.

He quickly wrote me two prescriptions, told me to call if I had more concerns, and set up a follow up appointment. I felt much better. As a matter of fact my symptoms even began to ebb a bit. All good, right?

Well, one prescription said "No More Google." Smart ass dotors thaink they're soooo funny. The other one was for a medicine I'd never heard of. So, I asked the pharmacist. He said, it's for nerve pain. Then his hot little assistant snorted. Then he couldn't look at me. Then I left and they both broke up.

I Googled.  The medicine's to treat, and I quote: Depression, mania, and anxiety.

Depression and anxiety? Fine. But mania? Come on, mania? Suddenly I'm Tony Soprano.

Then I decided to look up this foreign word the Doctor kept repeating. Congratulate me, I now know how to say "basket case" in Cantonese.

I'm sick. The whole world thinks it's a joke.

Oh, and you know what else it said about this medicine? Get this: "effective for patients who have failed to respond to antidepressants or mood stabilizers."

That's right, I'm on the big stuff. None of that wimpy Zoloft or Prozac for me. No, it's right to the Varsity for old Harry. Mr Mania. I'm gonna kick that pharmacist's ass. I'd go after the doctor but I forgot how to get there. And this guy in a chicken suit's been following me for weeks. Shhh! Did you hear that?

UPDATE: I know, you're all gonna laugh and say it's the pills talking, but this isn't the first time I've stopped dancing to tell my readers  how much I love them. Have you seen Chicken Man? I'm starving!

Comments

[Gracie]

Oh Harry, you're too funny!!

[Jay]

You should try those placebo pills (prescription required). They'll fix you right up.

[Dana]

Thank you, thank you. I have spent the better part of the day in a horrible mood, but reading your post cracked me up. Those pills really are mood altering. They cheered me up.

[Dr.VonNostrand]

It's probably not that bad, as long as the didn't give you Gabapentin (Neurontin).

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